Pieces of the Equation
by wicked18writer
Summary: Claire centric. Introspective observation in which Claire reflects on specific moments from each episode. ClaireZack friendship, ClaireJackie friction, ClaireDaddy issues. Oneshot. Only rated T for minor cursing.


Title: Pieces of the Equation

Rating: M (cursing, just a little bit) 

Summary: Claire reflective of specific moments in all the episodes so far.

Pairing: Claire/Zack friendship, Claire/Jackie friction, Claire/Daddy issues

Disclaimer : I do not own Heroes….but I am one.

**A/N : All the background info about Claire and Zack's relationship before the show is from info read about the unaired pilot, 'In His Image'.**

1. Depressed 

Attempt number 6 is yet another failure.

"I'm so depressed." I'm not talking to Zack but he answers anyway.

"What? What are you talking about? Why? I mean, besides the fact that this was so gross I almost fudged myself, this is the single coolest thing to happen in this town in like a hundred years." And with that one statement I come to the conclusion that Zack…is dick…seriously.

I threw my self off this, stabbed myself with that, cut, burned, drowned myself in hopes that I would bleed, break, or exhibit any other kind of normal human being reaction and all he can think of is how cool it is that when I smash myself I can pull everything back together.

Zack asks me why I wanted to tape it, and I don't really know why, but I answer "I have my reasons" to sound like I really did have a reason because if I didn't have a reason and I was as scared as I am of being discovered for the freak that I am and was taping my freakdom for no reason…. then I'd really be messed up.

"Popular?" ---"My life is over as I know it."---"I'm a freak show."

Zack says I'm being over dramatic, like I said—dick.

When Zack points out that my ribs are sticking out I push them back in and can't help thinking 'I wish I were Humpty Dumpty'…and that is possibly the dumbest thing I've ever heard/thought. Zack offers me a ride on his handlebars, and suddenly the Humpty Dumpty thing moves into second place for dumbest thing ever, because seriously I am not going to ride on the freaking handlebars of a bike especially his. And, and now, Zack looks like I just kicked his puppy, and deep down I really don't care, which makes me feel guilty for not feeling guilty in the first place and I bitchally try to console him by promising to talk to him in front of people tomorrow.

The prospect of lowering my cool quota by talking to Zack in public doesn't upset me as much as I thought it would. Before the whole secret pact thing I hadn't talked to Zack since the 6th grade when we were best friends.

Before I treated him like crap, I went along with all the gay bashing jokes, laughed where it was appropriate, snickered and pointed and glared at every cue from Jackie. Before when I was a bitch, Zack was nothing to me but a punching bag.

Now were talking, and tomorrow we'll do it with an audience and in public. Now I'll get teased, laughed at, snickered at, smirked at, and glared at by the popular girls, my supposed friends, all of whom who will take their cue's from Jackie who will be un-relentless in her torture.

Zack's not really a dick and he's seeing that I'm not really a bitch. And Zack used to be my best friend and now after I burned that bridge he's letting me back in his life, trusting me, keeping my secret and I'm not really grateful. Just like he's not really completely cool with what I can do. But Zack's all I've got and that…that's depressing.

**2. Under Wraps**

When Zack tried to talk to her this morning she blew him off to flirt with Brody right in front of Jackie's face, which Brody was totally ignoring to focus on her? Which was in a word awesome, except for Zack trying to talk to her.

Now he was following her across the football field talking about the video tape where she was killing herself like 20 times. I just wanted to keep it under wraps… that was going to be hard considering the loser lost it. I would have been madder if I hadn't found the face he made when I snapped her neck so hilarious.

I get up keeping my injury under wraps, and my abilities under wraps. Earlier that day I let Jackie take the credit for saving the man from the train fire, keeping my heroic rescue under wraps. I run over to the squad, cheering and happy to keep my panic about the lost tape under wraps.

Everything in my life is covered by something else, false smiles, lies. With everything that I keep 'under wraps' its no wonder I can't breath. I'm choking on my own deceptions and gagging on the truth.

**3. Freak or Guinea Pig**

I wanted to go to the away game and pump my pom-poms. I didn't want to think about the missing tape. I wanted to pretend I'm not any different than any other girl on the squad. I didn't want to face the reality that I'm different. I want high school to matter. I want school spirit to matter. I want being a pretty blonde cheerleader to matter. I want it to matter because it's who I want to be.

Zack says all these things and says "It's not who you are anymore." And all I can think is, 'like hell it's not.'

My life doesn't change until I say it does, everything can be pushed to the back of my mind, the tape, my freakishness, the pointlessness school now represents, the wood chipper. I can ignore it all…except when Zack is at my locker reminding me of everything I never wanted to know in the first place.

I want to hurt him so I throw the reality of my abilities at him, "Who am I? So what, I can crawl through a woodchipper and live to tell about it. That narrows my choices in life to freak or guinea pig, in most cases both." My life does not a shiny happy future hold.

Best case senario, I become freak girl, the undying human target practice girl, crazy indistructible cheerleader girl. Mabye I use my powers to save people, but then what? I don't have super strenght or super speed, all I do is not die which really only rescues me. Yeah I saved that one guy but, how many times can I depend on luck, I mean had that man weighted a little more I wouldn't have been able to move him let alone pull him out of burning building. This leads me to the worst case senario, test subject number 400-6B. I think about it a lot, what the government would do to me if they thougth they could duplicate what I do, mass produce it and sell it—or worse use it to create a indestructible army and start another freaking war. They'd have to run tests, cut me open, disect me, study me, experiment on me.

So the options weren't great and I didn't want to think about it and Zack just didn't get it so I tell him, "What's wrong with wanting to be normal?" And just to cut him a little deeper, "You should try it."

I can't think about what I am because as extraordinary as the whole wood chipper thing was, I fear being forced to do it repeatedly with different variables in a controlled environment to determine if the outcome changes (me not dying) …that's what they do when they experiment on things like guinea pigs…like me, they use you till your of no more use then dispose of you.

I know what's up, I watched X-files…okay well no I didn't I watched Buffy but they're kinda the same right?

**4. Virgin**

The worst thing about the morgue is it's so cold, I discovered this when I woke up in the middle of my autopsy. I was all…open in the chest area, and worse, naked. The naked thing really freaked me out more than the visible…innards and rib cage. I couldn't stop thinking about it on the walk home.

Did the medical Examiner take off her clothes for the autopsy?

Did a pack of wild dogs stumble upon her body, tear her uniform off and eat her clothes?

Did she spontaneously combust causing her clothes to disintegrate?

Did Brody strip her naked and have sex with her dead body after she died? Because necrophilia is so icky and she really hoped that wasn't the real cause of her nakedness.

Then I thought that well, if that was what happened I could just check to see if I am still a virgin but…then it hit me…I heal from everything even death—apparently, so it would make sense that every time I have sex my hymen will heal after being broken. I ran over to a bush and threw up. The only thought running through my head is, "I'm going to die a virgin."

Having sex after the first time, after the hymen is broken was supposedly the only reason to have sex. Everything she heard said it hurt, it was uncomfortable, but after the first time it got better. Well, apparently not for her.

Lucky indestructible me, I get to die a virgin…no matter how many times I have sex…note the sarcasm.

**5. Do Over**

"I don't know you." --- "Who are you?" --- "Why do you keep calling me Brody?"

She couldn't help but feel like his memory loss was a sign from God that she deserved a do over. It was like if he didn't remember what she did to him, she could forget what he tried to do to her.

It scared her a little too. She knew that when they were admitted to the hospital in stretchers, he looked at her and said, "crazy bitch." So before he came to the hospital he knew what she could do and what she did, or tried to do.

She really took a risk; she risked exposing her secret in the hopes of killing Brody… which she didn't even succeed in doing. But it didn't matter now because he didn't remember anything and if he wasn't going to mention what happened, neither was she.

6. Lemonade? 

She's sitting across from her biological parents and all she wants to do is scream "What the hell am I?" But she doesn't…her parents might hear-her _real_ parents.

All she gets from the bio parents is awkward glances and uncomfortable silence…. and diabetes…and a history of cancer and heart disease. Joy.

Her bio mom takes a sip of the lemonade she made this morning. Her bio parents broke up because of her; she couldn't help but feel a little thrill of joy. They abandoned her so it was only fair they didn't get to live happily ever aft-wait a minute…. if her bio mom was diabetic why was she drinking Claire's special overly sugary lemonade?

7. Tape 

When Zack says he has the tape it really doesn't register with me that it _the_ tape. I kinda forgot about it, I know very dumb, very dangerous, and very blonde but it's very true. What with the drama of Brody, the car crash, and the bio parents, I forgot about the tape.

Zack for the second time calls it the tape of me 'trying to kill my self 20 times' to which I take great offense. Because I was not trying to kill myself; I was trying to see if I could die—big difference.

8. Emergency 

I walk down the halls I haven't been down for 3 years, I still manage to remember where to go, I see my landmark and smile at Rufus. When I find my dad I tells him about Jackie's heinous behavior and how she needed to be the hero and bring the paper for the banner and—who the hell is that.

A pretty little pixie hair cut, skinny, small, cute, young, very young girl just emerged out of her fathers office, at least what she assumed was his office, for all she new it could've been a part of the factory-but the point was there was a very young and pretty girl spending hours working with her dad.

She couldn't help but wonder if she was she why he took so many business trips? The girl saw her and her eyes practically popped out of her head then she went robot-Stepford wife and said, "I'm sorry Mr. Bennet we just have a little situation."

Her dad brushes her off in the way that doesn't seem like he's brushing her off at all but seems like he's giving her exactly what she wants and telling her exactly what she wants to hear. She can just imagine her dad giving the home wrecking pixie ho a 'don't you know your not supposed to be seen by my daughter because were having an affair and she'll figure it out if she sees you' vibe/lecture/speech once she's out of ear shot.

I walk away from what may be the girl my dad is having a secret love affair with because Jackie's a bitch and she can't stand it when the bitch bitches because it's just too much. She's tempted to look back but the sample room's right there and well she does have a paper emergency to deal with.

**9. Hail **

Sometimes she felt like she and Jackie should just rent a ring and get their celebrity death-match fight extravaganza over with. The cheer nazi's walk in formation, sit down on their cement staircase throne, and glare at Zack and me as we walk by. Him a loser not even worthy of their thought except to be bagged on, and me a traitor who abandoned their superior company for likes of him. I recently discovered that the high school hierarchy sucks a lot worse when you're not at the top of it.

Zack asks if 'something's wrong' and I want to throw down my tray, stomp my feet, pull my hair, push him down, and scream "EVERYTHINGS WRONG!"

But, I don't.

Zack convinces me to check the homecoming queen announcement. And in that moment I realize that Zack's not a loser, or a dick, maybe a little nerdy but in a way it was charming because he was so…thoughtful. Insightful even. He knew I wanted to see the announcement even thought I was in the 9th circle of loser hell as far as the popular people were concerned.

When I saw my name I heard clapping, whoo's followed by hoo's, the chanting of my name, and in the middle of the people loudly celebrating my victory I saw Zack.

When he told her she got the freak vote she knew her win was due to him and something thoughtful he did. He campaigned for her because it was important to her and it was the nicest thing…ever.

He got her a book about her freakishness and he was so nice.

She finally got what all those old dead guys were talking about when they said the best way to get people to do something was to lead by example. She wanted to follow Zack's example, he was accepting of her freakishness, he was her friend again even though she stopped being his when she got too cool, he made an effort to give her a piece of her old life back even though in her old life she was a shallow bitch to him, and he still thought that the world she coveted so much was beneath her.

She didn't deserve a friend as good as him, his goodness was inspired.

Or inspiring…whatever.

Moral of story is it was a beautiful moment in the friendship of Claire and Zack… that was in danger of being ruined by Jackie the evil cheerleader but was ultimately rescued by Claire's fist.

Come on.

All hail to the queen.

**10. Bitchy-ness**

Jackie comes breezing in my room with news of Lori Tremmel, apparently she skanked her way through the entire football team. She didn't really believe it because Lori was a really quite shy girl who didn't like to wear revealing clothing and got flustered every time super cute Brody the quarterback even glanced her direction.

I asked Jackie, "Who told you that?"

"The entire football team." Jackie was being bitchy but the fact was she wanted to be a cheerleader so the sad story of Lori Tremmel's tarnished reputation really didn't matter at the moment.

Jackie ruined the moment by verbally assaulting Lori behind her back yet again. By trying to make me beg for the uniform, the spot on the squad, and of course the popularity. To be fair the moment wasn't just ruined by Jackie's bitchy-ness, the whole broken glass, hand gushing blood thing was kind of buzz kill too but, that was caused by Jackie and therefore Jackie sucks.

On the ride to the hospital I got to thinking about Jackie and my friendship. By the end of the trip I had come to the conclusion that Jackie had a knack for ruining good things in my life. Ever since the 6th grade when she said I couldn't be friends with her unless I pushed Zack down the stairs of the bus and told him I hated him because he was a loser and never wanted to see him again, Jackie has made me do things that I didn't want to do. I know I have a choice to not obey her and I know she just uses a mixture of peer pressure, intimidation tactics, and power to get me to jump through her hoops but, I really wanted to be a cheerleader but, this time I was determined not to demean myself for her pleasure.

And so the moment when I was to receive my cheerleading outfit and become an official cheerleader, not just her assistant choreographer/cheer bitch as I had been all year, Jackie ruined it with a power play and a game of tug of war. Her bitchy-ness just killed whatever nice sentiment I would have associated with the moment and it killed whatever chance we had to take pictures and 'commiserate' the moment.

See math, Jackie + Moment Crap.

**11. Never Again**

After everything Zack is a welcomed site, even his voice is soothing, its like when he's around I know I've got someone in my corner and on my side no matter what. Everything with my dad knowing about me and what I can do and him not telling me that he knew the whole time, honestly pissed me off, scared me, comforted me, hurt me. There had been so many times when to it must have been obvious that I was hinting at or hiding my abilities, and it would have been so easy for him to easy my troubles by telling me he knew. But he didn't.

"That's pretty destroyed right?" I stomp on the tapes that I made for no particular reason that could have destroyed my anonymity and got me snatched up by the government for experimentation.

Zack tells me he's sorry for making me go out to homecoming. I assure him it wasn't his fault and tell him he did it because he was my friend, and pathetically, he's the best friend I've ever had…for two weeks. Two weeks seems much longer after being chased by a crazy psycho who wants to cut off your head.

I can't help but feel sad and ashamed that I only got to really be friends with Zack for two weeks. Zack who is an amazing, caring, thoughtful, nice, funny, sweet, guy who didn't want to just get in my pants. If you want to get technical about it we were friends from kindergarten to 6th grade + two weeks.

"You could have been killed." Zack says this so uncharacteristically seriously. I respond quickly with "I know."

He says he won't tell anyone about me and I believe him because he says he won't and he crossed his heart.

When I meet Zack again on the football field to talk about how Lyle forgot about my secret, my heart starts to break when I realize he doesn't remember either.

I lost the best friend I ever had…to amnesia.

That is such soap opera bullshit.

I can't take it, I feel like my heart is in a vice, so I just trust my instincts and run, because there's nothing to fight. Zack was the first person I ever really trusted enough to get to know me, like completely.

I call my dad because he's all I have left. I tell him that he was right about the people who want to hurt me. I told him they got to Lyle and Zack. I tell him "It's like it never happened. I don't know what to do." I tell him and he tells me he loves me and it's going to be okay but I don't feel any better because I don't think he's telling the truth.

If it was he who didn't remember and Zack who was telling me those things I wonder if the words would have been more comforting.

But now there's a man in my room and his hand is over my mouth and he's telling me things that make me feel as if I'll never be comfortable again.

Never trust again.

Never believe anyone again.

Never believe in anyone again.

Never accept an explanation again.

Never feel safe again.

Never forgive again.

Just…

Never again.

**A/N- Okay hit me with your best shot. Read and Review. Please? I pathetically check it twice a day, my life is very sad and I would like some feed back, it's the only thing I have to live for insert melodramatic hand to forehead tilt head down and to side, sigh, 'oh woes me' **

**Also, its 4:35 am and I can't sleep.**


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